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Do you find yourself constantly being let down by the men you date and bouncing between being single and in a relationship as often as Jessica Simpson? The problem isn't you; it's the men you're dating.
The holes in your dating sieve are currently bigger than the one we have in the ozone layer, and its allowing any man who shows you even the smallest morsel of attention into your life. You need to tighten the reins on your life and raising the dating bar. It's a huge experiment requiring lots of trial and error, but there are certain men who don't even deserve an ounce of your attention. And, once you know what to look for, it's not too hard to sift through the rest of the dating pool to find Mr Right.
But, until Mr Right does come along, here's a list of guys you should definitely banish from your list of potential options.
Mr Tin Heart
The emotionally unavailable man has been the pitfall of many single women. Yet, he's the easiest of the species to spot. So why do we get ourselves into such a mess with him when we usually know early on that it would sooner snow in Malaysia before you can get him to commit?
“These women really believe that they can change a man's mind about being with them, or they simply make themselves believe they can, because they feel like they have no other choice,” explains Sally Reeves* a relationship counselor.
There's usually a reason why these men can't commit. Your job isn't to figure out why that reason has come to be, but instead, if it's a reason that's actually good enough for you. If it is, then may be you need to look at yourself and ask "why don't I find somebody who is ready for commitment?" says Susan Jeffers, author of 'Opening Our Hearts To Men.'
#1 Playa
He's the perfect lover, makes you feel like you're the queen of his world and that he's perched you high above a pedestal away from any other woman in his sight. He's well-dressed, charming, witty, funny, and his manners are impeccable. He's out to make an impact on the women he makes, and he'll definitely make that impact on you...and every other woman that tickles his fancy.
Every woman will come across at least one of this kind in her lifetime, and while the charm and attention may be extremely flattering, don't be fooled. You know you'll be nursing a broken heart when he gets bored.
Mr Mummy
In Western cultures, any 20something year old man still living under his parent's roof would (almost literally) be laughed out of house and home. While the same concept cannot be applied here in Asia, it's not hard to spot a mummy's boy.
The signs aren't even subtle. He's always going to choose is mum (or aunt or sister) over you. And while there may be times he's hesitant about making that decision, make no mistake, the end outcome will always be the same: Mum 1 - You 0.
What's worse, when things don't work out, he'll believe that the issues lay with you not trying hard enough to get along with his family.
Tan Sri Lambat (a.k.a. Sir Late-A-Lot)
Let's be honest here: the concept of 'Malaysian timing' is just an all too common excuse for us to be late. But the fact that we know there's going to be traffic, yet make no allowances for it, just says that we're being disrespectful. Same goes for a guy. If he knows he's made an appointment to meet you at a certain time, yet can't be bothered to plan around that accordingly, he's pretty much saying, "I'm unreliable, disorganised and I don't really respect your time."
“Every time you break a time promise there is a consequence and you are sending a subtle message to the person you stood up that they are less important than you or whatever you were doing” Karen Kawalec*, a behavioral specialist and counsellor from the UK. "Do this enough, and you’ll strain the relationship you have with this person for the long term. It also says that you aren’t responsible, reliable, or maybe even sincere and honest.”
Mr Office-Is-My-Home
We applaud men with ambition. We applaud their dreams and aspirations and seriously, that go-getter attitude is sexy! But there's a time and place for everyone, and no job needs to be worked at all day, every day.
On the plus side, the workaholic is always well-dressed with impeccable manners and an admirable knowledge of many things. He knows how to make you feel like a real lady. On the other hand, dinner dates (if they hadn't already been cancelled) will usually turn into a solo affair, with you picking at the food while he screams down the phone about some deal or the other.
However, we're not going to relegate all workaholics to the no-fly zone of dead beat men. You'll have to exercise some discretion, and patience, to sort through the ones you can deal with and the absolute no-hopers.
Mr Whiny
This guy's self-esteem has fallen so low, it's almost made friends with the Hobbits of middle Earth. But, he doesn't think it's his fault; it's always someone else's.
Maira*, a psychologist of 10 years says, “as an adult, pity becomes a burden. It's almost endearing for a child to be sucking its thumb and clutching a blanket. For an adult, well... you're not going win a whole lot of admiration among your peers! Pity disconnects you. It disconnects you from yourself, from other people, from your world, and from your won control.”
His constant belief that he is the victim means he's always seeking attention and becomes distressed when he feels he isn't getting what he needs. While some women's overpowering maternal instinct draws them to men like this, eventually, they will get tiring.
Mr Quick Trick
Admittedly, everyone lies. But, this lying leech has an excuse for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
At the start of you relationship, the fibs were subtle. You knew there was something not quite right about his explanation but he backed it up with something solid, so you let him get away with it. But, the more he gets away with, the bigger his lies get.
"It's like he couldn't help himself and was addicted to lying!" says Shauna* of her ex. "I used to believe him at first because they were just little things, but eventually, they became so frequent, and sometimes were even so ridiculous I actually felt embarrased for him!"
The Ex Texter
There's nothing wrong with being friends and keeping in touch with your ex, but too much contact can prove detrimental to future relationships.
“When you continue an emotional relationship with someone instead of letting go, you will usually have subconscious feelings for them or realise that the feelings never went away, which can be damaging to new or potential relationships,” Sally* says. “But, you get a rush from doing it and from hearing back, and it's naughty, yet safe in its own right."
The Game Boy
Nothing wrong with a man and his game console...unless he chooses it over you.
“In the broad sense, it’s (consoles) a substitute for social interaction, or just another outlet” explains Ken Lee*, who works in a computer games outlet. “Computer games represent an individual challenge for men and can be a way of relaxing.”
In a way, gaming to men is what shopping is to women - therapy. But, that doesn't mean we shop all the time. The absolute danger sign ladies, is when he calls in sick at work because (a) he didn't sleep the night before battling zombies or (b) he needs the day to advance to the next level. When that happens, either 'accidentally' trip and spill a mug of hot tea over the console, or, if you fear that may endanger your life lest he rage at you, just leave his keys by the door and leave. You'll be better of for doing it.
# Names have been changed to protect identity.
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Interesting isn't it? I felt that some is true esp. the Sir-late-a-lot, the ex-texter and quick trick. Right my boy?
